“We just don’t talk anymore.” That’s one of the most common complaints I hear in my psychotherapy office from couples stuck in a communication rut. They often say they feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
There’s nothing wrong with asking “How was work today?” But repeating it day after day rarely gets you past surface-level conversation. Whether your partner gives you a one-word answer or responds with a long list of complaints, these exchanges can leave you feeling distanced rather than close.
As a therapist and the author of “13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do,” I’ve taught countless couples to build a bank of alternatives that foster better communication — and help them grow as individuals and couples.
Here are seven questions that will make you mentally stronger and help you stay connected.
1. ‘What was the best part of your day?’
We’re wired to remember what went wrong more readily than what went right. So if you and your partner have gotten into the habit of complaining about the worst parts of your day, ask for the highlight instead. It can help build optimism and gratitude — which are good for mental health — and lead to a pleasant conversation you both engage in.
Kick things off by volunteering your highlight: “The best part of my day was finally finishing that report. What about you?”
2. ‘What’s something that didn’t go as planned?’
Rather than ask about the worst part of your partner’s day — which can invite a rant — normalize the fact that plans sometimes go off the rails. Asking this question also shows you’re invested in hearing about your partner’s challenges.
They might say, “My big presentation got bumped to next week, so all that prep is on hold.” You’ll learn how they rolled with the unexpected, and you might get a glimpse into their emotional state.
Often, the best thing you can do is listen, without offering advice.
3. ‘Who made your day easier?’
This question can create a much-needed shift from complaining about unreasonable bosses or annoying coworkers to recognizing the people you appreciate.
Some days, you might get the chance to name each other: “When you picked the kids up, it took a lot of pressure off me to get out of work early” or “You brightened my day when you sent that text at lunch.”
Over time, it can motivate you to make each other’s days better.
4. ‘What are you feeling hopeful about?’
Hope is good for us. Research links hope to a stronger sense that life is meaningful, which can get you through tough times.
It works on any scale, too, big or small. The answer might be, “I’m hopeful I’ll have more time to relax once the sales conference is over tomorrow.”
5. ‘What would make for a good night for you?’
After a long day, it’s easy to let work bleed into the evening until you’re both scrolling on opposite ends of the couch. This question protects your connection, even when you don’t have the energy for a long, in-depth conversation.
Ask it generously, without an agenda. Your partner might want company on a walk, or suggest takeout and an episode of a good TV show. Asking means you don’t have to guess.
6. ‘What can I take off your plate tonight?’
Strong couples function as a team, and one of the best ways to be a good teammate is to ask what you can contribute.
Instead of tossing off a vague “Let me know if you need anything,” get specific and take initiative, like “Want me to be in charge of dinner tonight?” You might hear, “Yes, please. I don’t want to make any more decisions today — not even about what to eat.”
Don’t act like you’re doing your partner a favor. The goal is to show you’re invested in sharing the load. Some nights you’ll do more and other nights your partner will. That give-and-take without keeping score keeps the relationship strong.
7. ‘What’s something you did today to grow mentally stronger?’
Maybe your partner spoke up in a meeting, set a boundary, or just got through something they dreaded. Identifying their inner strength reminds them of their resilience.
Make it a shared ritual to discuss examples of mental strength. Celebrate what you both did today, and ask curious questions again tomorrow — because if you go beyond “How was work today?” your nightly conversations will never go stale.
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker, and host of the “Mentally Stronger” podcast. She is the author of several bestselling books including “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” and “The Mental Strength Playbook.” Her TEDx talk “The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong” is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn.
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